Saturday, April 07, 2007

Funny Pages

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks, "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney.

"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
->> A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire> >> seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher> >> came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,> >> "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."> >>> >> The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became> >> more impatient:> >>> >> "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have> >> to call the manager."> >>nce again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched> >> briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned> >> with the manager. Together the two of them tried> >> repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.> >>> >> Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger> >> surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right> >> buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the cowboy moaned.> >>> >> "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.> >>> >> With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a> >> muscle, Fred replied,. . . . . . "the balcony".> >>
There was a family gathering, with a number of generations around the table. The teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.After a while, Grandpa excused himself to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all down the front."What happened, Grandpa?", he was asked by his concerned children."Well," he answered, "I don't really know...I had to go to the I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

No comments: