Monday, April 16, 2007

Death and dying and dealing with it

Yesterday, I awoke rather early- Of course with the help of my 3 alarm clocks that I use. Played on the putor as my usual am routine. Around 9ish I realized if I want to get all in for the day I gotta move my ass. Jumped in the shower and after numerous outfits I finally found something I felt good in for the day. The day was yucky to begin with....Snow,cold, rain and slush a freakin miserable day. Headed up to the hospice unit to spend time with my patient and her family. I held her hand as she faced her journey,,she was petrified, the look of total scared was on her face as she gripped my hand harder and harder. I on one side and her granddaughter on the other. We both tried to reassure her all was alright. Her two son's were there. Also her grandson that she hasn't seen in 14 years.He could not stay in the room and spent a lot of time in the lounge,,,until she asked to see him,,or to hear his voice. Her site was going and she was really scared, not relaxed. They upped her morphine. It seemed to help a bit. My hand still holding hers,,,I needed to move, my back was killing me bending over in that position. Every time I tried to release my hand her grip got stronger. I told her I need to move a bit,, I had to have my hand,,,I gave her her gran daughter's hand to hold. She asked for reassurance if my hand left another would be there,,,I reassured her there would be. I went and downed a cup of coffee. I needed to go away abit. Plus I was sure the family needed time with their Mom. I told her I loved her and would be back at 3pm. Went to the gym and worked out for awhile. Went back up at 3pm-- her granddaughter was there,,they both looked so content. I could see the pain and sorrow in the granddaughter. She was very close to her. I stayed a bit,,this time I think I needed to cheer the granddaughter up....I told her to tell her grandmother I will be back later. I left the hospital still raining and freakin yucky outside. The kind of day you just want to hang out at home in your sweats and watch movies, cuddle by the fire and just chill. Well unfortunately that wasn't on my schedule. I headed up to the "Home" to see my other patient. Made her day special for her. Gave her a shampoo and a shower. Cut her hair and set it. her son and daughter in law came and we had a real nice evening. I headed out at 7:15 pm. {J} called and told me my other patients son called and to give him a call. I did--I planned on meeting him on the morrow up at the hospice unit around 5pm. Her it was 7;40pm, I should go up to the hospice unit but the time for "Me" bug was kicking in,,,saying just go home you'll see her on the morrow, she's probably sleeping any way. I am feeling very guilty for not going up there. Her son called me at 8:17pm----She passed on. Now I feel shitty,,,I should have been there to hold her hand. Sometimes crap really sucks----


Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Sure does suck.

I missed both my parents deaths, my father's only by a few hours. We were there holding his hand but didn't know he was going then and no one told us.

And my Mom died unexpectedly while i was out of town.

I guess we just have to do the best we can.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Sometimes our best doesn't FEEL good enough.

And we are imperfect beings, hard enough to admit that.

Lupo Grigio said...

I saw your comments and Mary Taitt;s blog and came over for a look-see.

Like you and Mary, I am struggling with a death (in my case in the family).

I wish you well. {{{hug}}}

I want things MY WAY, too!


Helena said...

Mary, I guess sometimes in life God keeps us away from things that might be hard for us to deal with if we were there,,,My older sister once told me God only gives us ,what he thinks we can handle. And when it gets really tough I remeber those words, and I deal with it. Remeber all the good,,Celebrate Life!! Life is a wonderous jouney, and it goes faster than we realize.

Helena said...

Lupo, Thanks for coming on over. I visited your site and left a personal message for you there," Mom's are so special, my deepest sorrows go out to you my friend,