Sorrow

As stated on the post of 4/24, The "home" situation really sucks. Wednesday I went up to the hospital to be with my patient. I have taken care of her for seven years, she feels like family. She treated me like her daughter and told me numerous times she wished her daughter could be like me. I explained to her, how not every one is the same. {If you would have know her daughter you could see that she is mentally not all there.} The nurses told me they could get nothing down her and also she has a blood clot in her leg..{ wonder if that is from hours on hours days on days just being put in a wheel chair and not allowed to get up and taken for a walk.} I got her to eat a little and she was responding to me. I left after awhile so she could rest before her sons came to see her. I drove the 45 minutes back to my kneck of the woods and out of the big city. I had to stop at her great nephews. He called me from Florida and asked me to check on his rabbit. The bunny lives in the attic- free range rabbit I might add. I wasn't sure the last time the rabbit ate, so I bought it lettuce and carrots. He told me just give it some stale bread. Rabbit was fine. I went to the gym and worked out,,,my patients daughter in law called me,,,said she is heading out quick. I told her I am on my way back up. I called Linda to see if she could work for me on the next day,,but she had a dentist appointment and maintness needed done on her car--it could not be put off till the following week,,,(maybe I could schedule my death then). My patient was very close to me, like a grandmother. I told her don't worry about it and hung up. I raised back to the hospital, now she is on #10 ox0gen, morphine has been given, and unresponsive. I try to relax her by holding her hand,,,moisten her lips, She has a mask on and its very hard to breath. She gets a worried look on her face and she can tell she is resiting something. I reassure my self that I do not smell death, as I just did the week before. Her daughter in law notices after awhile that I am there she seems relaxed more..,they decide to go home at 11pm for a nap. I ask them please say goodbye to her...She will be here when we return, she's pulling through it already. I leave at 12am...I have to get up at 5ish. I drive home in total thick pea soup fog....took me a little over a hour to get home.....I arrive at 1:15am.....She died at 1:30am. May she rest in peace.Mrs. C.

Death and dying and dealing with it

Yesterday, I awoke rather early- Of course with the help of my 3 alarm clocks that I use. Played on the putor as my usual am routine. Around 9ish I realized if I want to get all in for the day I gotta move my ass. Jumped in the shower and after numerous outfits I finally found something I felt good in for the day. The day was yucky to begin with....Snow,cold, rain and slush a freakin miserable day. Headed up to the hospice unit to spend time with my patient and her family. I held her hand as she faced her journey,,she was petrified, the look of total scared was on her face as she gripped my hand harder and harder. I on one side and her granddaughter on the other. We both tried to reassure her all was alright. Her two son's were there. Also her grandson that she hasn't seen in 14 years.He could not stay in the room and spent a lot of time in the lounge,,,until she asked to see him,,or to hear his voice. Her site was going and she was really scared, not relaxed. They upped her morphine. It seemed to help a bit. My hand still holding hers,,,I needed to move, my back was killing me bending over in that position. Every time I tried to release my hand her grip got stronger. I told her I need to move a bit,, I had to have my hand,,,I gave her her gran daughter's hand to hold. She asked for reassurance if my hand left another would be there,,,I reassured her there would be. I went and downed a cup of coffee. I needed to go away abit. Plus I was sure the family needed time with their Mom. I told her I loved her and would be back at 3pm. Went to the gym and worked out for awhile. Went back up at 3pm-- her granddaughter was there,,they both looked so content. I could see the pain and sorrow in the granddaughter. She was very close to her. I stayed a bit,,this time I think I needed to cheer the granddaughter up....I told her to tell her grandmother I will be back later. I left the hospital still raining and freakin yucky outside. The kind of day you just want to hang out at home in your sweats and watch movies, cuddle by the fire and just chill. Well unfortunately that wasn't on my schedule. I headed up to the "Home" to see my other patient. Made her day special for her. Gave her a shampoo and a shower. Cut her hair and set it. her son and daughter in law came and we had a real nice evening. I headed out at 7:15 pm. {J} called and told me my other patients son called and to give him a call. I did--I planned on meeting him on the morrow up at the hospice unit around 5pm. Her it was 7;40pm, I should go up to the hospice unit but the time for "Me" bug was kicking in,,,saying just go home you'll see her on the morrow, she's probably sleeping any way. I am feeling very guilty for not going up there. Her son called me at 8:17pm----She passed on. Now I feel shitty,,,I should have been there to hold her hand. Sometimes crap really sucks----

My Week and Weak moments

Ok,,the week is almost over,,and more lessons in life have been learned, on Tuesday one of my patient's fell. I was at her house in the am,,and we had a real nice visit as always, she was not depressed and ate everything I gave her. She is 88 yrs old,,,about 5'8" or 5'9",,,and weighs in about 87-90lbs. I was really making progress with her. She's a real pisser thou. The things she comes out with,,if you were blind and was talking to her you would think she was in her 20's or 30's. She was from Galveston,Texas,,,,A proper lady with a accent. Once won a beauty contest and named Ms. Galveston. Also did a lot of modeling. She has and had many good friends over the years,,One guy she knew since she was 9 years old,,,he calls and sends her gifts,,I think he is and always has been in love with her. She fell on Tuesday and broke her hip. I found her at 5pm,,hugging the toilet. She refused to have surgery to fix it,,,and granted if she did,,she still might not have survived the surgery or ever walked again. She went on hospice at the hospital,,,at first it was just morphine in the IV,,,I was able to talk with her and converse. But yesterday they started the morphine drip,,,and when I went there today and held her hand she had such a grip on me,,,like if she was scared. I am not sure if she realized what going on hospice ment---dying. I think to my self did she have closure in all her relationships. Her one son that she lived with was out of town when she fell,,,as I talked to him,,,That was his main fear, and now when he talks to her she is out of it. Does she want to wake up one more time and say goodby to her family and friends. I brokedown as I sat there holding her hand,,,as she gripped it for dear life. I didn't want to come home and leave her alone and afraid. I don't know if she will make it throu the night,,and when she does go I shall cry and miss her. And hope all those that she knew and went before her will meet her at the gate with open arms, and she won't be alone to face the next journey-------Happy Trails